you thought you knew
by xsic
Summary: lotr and harry potter characters...maybe of the funniest stories u read today. Ü
1. chapter one

Part one  
  
Once upon a time, there lived The Boy Who Lived. His name was Harry Potter; he only had two friends. One was a boy name Ronald Weasley, he was ugly, red headed, and poor. The other was a girl named Hermione Granger. She was ugly, bushy haired, and ugly.  
  
One day, they strayed too far past the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"This must be the Realm of the Horse Lords, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell," Hermione exclaimed, eyeing the neon sign that said Realm of the Horse Lords.  
  
Ron replied, "Gee, Hermione, you sure are smart!"  
  
They immediately heard a voice saying, "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard."  
  
Then all of a sudden, a loud song began to play. To their excitement it was the song that people like to run to. They had started to hear footsteps and shouting. Harry pulled out his wand and looked around. He saw three figures running over the hills in his direction. There were two tall people, and one short grumbling guy. The three magical friends stood their ground, but then to their surprise the tall blonde guy stopped and said, " A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night."  
  
Hermione choked back her laughter. Ron thought that this queer reminded him of Draco Malfoy. After that brief statement, they started to run again. So the wizards chased after them. Harry and his friends fell back when he saw the three runners had stopped to talk to a bunch of silly boys with horses and sticks. The hottest of the three yelled out, "Riders of Rohan. What news from the Mark?"  
  
Hermione guessed that they talked for about 15 minutes, then they dashed to a pile of smoking black bodies.  
  
Ron, Hermione, and Harry followed. The hot, brown haired, tall man started searching on the ground and found something that he had been looking for. He fell on his knees and belted out a very manly scream.  
  
He started going on about hobbits rolling around, and being all tied up. Hermione pondered this for a while, and concluded that he must be kinky. Why else would he talk about bonding hobbits together?  
  
While he was crawling around, Hermione noticed he looked quite kingly. When he stood up, her breath got caught in her throat. The sun was shining on him, and he had a mad gleam in his eye. He is no mere ranger, He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. She felt like she owed him her allegiance.  
  
After that eardrum shattering display of emotion, they ran into the nearest forest, Hermione and friends followed.  
  
"Bloody hell," exclaimed Ron. "Did you see that blonde guy, what a fruit.  
  
Then Hermione added, "The other tall man, damn he fine! I'd like to bite off a piece of that."  
  
"Yeah he was okay, but shit, the short one, he tickled my fancy," Harry said giggling and looking innocent.  
  
Then they followed the three runners, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Legolas of the Gayland realm, and Gimli son of Groin.um.Gloin, into Fanghorn Forest. As they entered they saw the most disgusting sight; it was an old man standing there stark naked.  
  
"EWWWWWWWWWWE HES SO WHITE!!!!," they yelled when they saw him. Legolas chuckled to himself and started to stroke a feather on his arrow, and said, "The White Wizard approaches." Aragorn turned around, hands on his sword, to face the old man. Legolas and Gimli kneeled in front of him, shocking Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Aragorn looked taken aback and demanded to know why he was there. He seemed awfully angry and said, "You fell.I pushed you.oh wait never mind.that was me."  
  
Then they all talked for a while, and they learned his name was Gandalf. He had apparently smote the ruin of his enemy upon the mountainside, then died, then came back. He demonstrated the facial movements he made when he resurrected. They kind of reminded Harry of something else.  
  
Then they all walked further into the forest, and Harry and his friends followed.  
  
***  
  
As Hermione, Ron, and Harry walked through the forest following the rugged god of a man, the poncy woman of an elf, and the waist height, fat of a dwarf. Harry decided that they were going to jinx the nancing one into oblivion. Ron nodded in agreement but Hermione frowned slightly, "But.he's blonde"  
  
"Whatever," responded Harry. "Lets get jinkie with it!"  
  
Ron jumped out from behind a tree and promptly yelled, "AYE! AVAST!"  
  
The fruity one exclaimed in formal elf manner, " Yo bitch! That was my line."  
  
At this Hermione yelled 'Cutinhalfify' and the she-male was cutted in half. Aragorn let out a manly yell and whipped out his manly.sword and poked them all until they left. Then Aragorn rode off into the sunset back to his 'Bit o' elf crumpet'. And Gimli rode off to find some manly dwarf women and Legolas' body was left to rot.  
  
***  
  
The blonde elf's dead body was lying on the ground, and all of a sudden a shimmering light appeared. And it miraculously connected the two halves of Legolas. He suddenly awoke, and opened his eyes. He cackled evilly and said, "Muahahahahahhahahahahahahahah, Lord Voldemort is back, very much alive."  
  
Suddenly, "The Boy Who Lived, But Watched Legolas Die" felt a sharp pain in his forehead.  
  
"God dammit," he said, "time to pop some more pills. Oh Ron and Hermione, by the way, Lord Voldemort is back.very much alive."  
  
Ron and Hermione looked at him as if he was crazy, "have you been in the Gaffer's old brew again?"  
  
Harry replied, "naw, I just jacked some pipe weed from my dear friend Frodo Luv-Shaggins."  
  
They looked at him and said, "and who, might that be?"  
  
"A tricksey hobbit," he answered. "He promised me he'd show me the pointy hat trick!"  
  
Then he gallivanted away to go find this Frodo Luv-Shaggins. Angrily, Hermione turned and cursed Ron with 'Eyelashify. This caused Ron's eyelashes to grow 7 feet long.  
  
"Oh no you di'int," he screamed as he pulled out his.wand. 'Assify'  
  
Just as that was said, a beam of blue light shot out of his wand and hit Hermione's ass. It started to inflate, at first to the size of a beach ball, but then bigger and bigger until it looked like it would explode. Ron then broke out laughing. Amidst all this, they heard a noise, which sounded like someone apparating. They turned to see that Draco Malfoy did indeed apparate only a few feet away. Ron ran over to Draco, still holding his wand, and tripping over his eyelashes, and shoved it right in his face.  
  
Draco sneered and said, "what are you going to do with that.shove it up my ass? Because you know, Weasley, I like that sort of thing."  
  
"Okay wow. that's what normal people would call an 'over share'," Ron exclaimed.  
  
"No need to get angry, I just heard that there was a poncy git with long eyelashes and a babe with a bodacious ass really worth tapping. I had hoped it to be Arwen and Haldir, but oh well, I'll take what I can get."  
  
"Bugger off, Malfoy," said Hermione boldly.  
  
"Ahh, yes, remind me why I have to take orders from a nappy haired bitch?"  
  
She fell silent. And Draco sneered and chortled. (lol)  
  
"Well, anyway, Harry is with Frodo. He says he is going to show him the pointy hat trick," explained Ron.  
  
" I always knew Potter was gay. I must scamper off and tell my friends. They will all die when they hear this. 'The Boy Who Lived' now known as 'The Boy Who Takes It Up The Ass.' They will be delighted," squealed Malfoy.  
  
***  
  
As this was going on, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, or more formally known as Lord Voldemort, was looking down at the body he had possessed. He thought aloud, " Holy shit, why the hell did I possess a saucy wench." Then he took off his pants and looked down.  
  
"FUCK! No congratulations to me."  
  
***  
  
So, as the reincarnated Legolas with a small 'weenus' tromped off after Harry, Ron, and Hermione. He thought to himself, "Well I mean its not that bad, thank god for Engorgement Charms." Then he heard a clicky noise and saw what was the cause.  
  
"Gimli!?" he gasped. "What are you doing to that woodpecker!"  
  
Gimli stuttered, "Oh..n-nothing. Its just a wisp of clouds."  
  
Legolas/Voldemort replied, "Its moving fast, against the wind." Gimli shrugged and ran off after Aragorn.  
  
Legolas continued walking and ran headlong into Draco, they both looked at each other blankly and thought, 'Damn, he ugly!'  
  
Draco sneered, "And who are you?" As he thought to himself, 'Shit, does that poke bonnet come in pink?'  
  
Legolas replied, " I am Vol. I mean." he thought to himself, crap! What is the flaming fag's name! Then it came to him and he started again, "Uh, yes, I am Legolas Weedsmoker, and you are?"  
  
"Draco Malfoy" he replied.  
  
"Perhaps you can tell me where Harry Potter is?" the Dark Lord asked.  
  
"Oh, you mean Scarhead? Yeah, I just walked by him. What are you doing here? By the way, I am here for my weekly re-enactment of the green umbrella with Crabbe." But Legolas had already gone.  
  
Legolas had apparated to Harry's bedside and was shocked to see Harry and Frodo Luv-Shaggins. "Dammmmmmn homie, you ARE sick!" he yelled. Frodo looked up and grabbed Harry's wand (his real wand not his .other wand) and yelled 'Hobbitify'  
  
Then Legolas/Voldemort turned into a stupid, fat, hairy hobbit.  
  
***  
  
"Sod off, all of you," Voldemort in the hobbits body exclaimed. Then he turned around and unzipped his pants.  
  
"Sweet Jesus, its normal again, but a little to hairy for my taste. 'Scroogeify"  
  
Then Harry Potter whipped around and said, "I'm Harry, but I'm not hairy. My name has two meaning just like Sirius' name has two meanings. Sadly for you, my hairy friend, yours means 'I am gay' and 'I have a small mustaki. (lol)'"  
  
Frodo then interjected, "love, he is no longer an elf, but he has been turned into a mirror image of my dear friend, and lover, Samwise Gamgee."  
  
Harry gasped, and looked up, "But.Frodo, how could you. I thought we were going to be together forever. You are to be banishéd (ban-ish-ED) to the depths of Mordor."  
  
Then all of a sudden a red eye appeared out of no where, it peered at Frodo, then to Harry, then back to Frodo. He telepathically blubbered to Frodo, "HOW DARE YOU. YOU CHEATED ON ME TWICE. I AM APPALED. I WILL SEND MY WRATH OF ORCS ON YOU. MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH."  
  
Then Frodo grabbed his clothes and ran off. Harry now realized that he was alone with the hairy hobbit that used to be Legolas that really is Voldemort. And said to him, "well I better be off." And then he apparated without delay.  
  
'Escaped from my clutches again, that dark haired boy did' thought Voldemort.  
  
*crack*  
  
Suddenly a green impish creature appeared by his side and said, "All of them, he has killed. Dead they are." And the he disappeared as quickly as he came.  
  
The Dark Lord pondered to himself for a few moments. What the hell just happened there? Was that Yoda. And what idiot says 'I killed them all, they're dead'. Oh well, I must be off to murder my arch nemesis, Harry Potter.grr.. That sexy fiend. I must not be thwarted again. But first I must turn my self back into that tall blonde boy, he looked quite gay, in the least. But oh well, small weenus or not, he is still capable of seeing all the way to Isengard with his elf eyes.  
  
*** 


	2. chapter two

Part two  
  
Just as Ron was trying to deflate Hermione's ass, Harry appeared with a popping noise. They turned to look at him. Hermione exclaimed, "You're alright, thank god, you could have died!" Ron looked angry and said, "I bet you loved that didn't you, Potter. Famous Harry Potter. You can't even go to the Riddermark without screwing a hairy midget."  
  
The only answer he received was, " they're good for your soul. "  
  
Just as this was said, they heard noises like rolling thunder. Then, from over the hills a bunch of horses stampeded. 'Twas the Riders of Rohan. Harry pulled out his wand just in time, and yelled, "STUPEFY." All of the horses stopped but two. They came trotting up to Harry. The commander, Eómer pulled off his helmet, it had a ponytail on it. Harry thought that he looked quite like an aardvark.  
  
Eómer asked, "Who goes there."  
  
Ron answered, "Be you angels?" And they answered, "Nay, we are but men.ROCK!"  
  
And out of the distance they heard a slight noise, and it was growing louder and louder as the seconds wore on. When the noise finally got loud enough to hear properly, they looked around for Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas. They looked around because whenever this certain song plays they seem to show up running across the Riddermark.  
  
Then Hermione yelled 'finite incantatem', and their horses were unstupified, and they rode off cursing the fact that Aragorn didn't show up. Eómer had started to fancy his unwashed manliness. That stubble was so butch, it gave him Goosebumps.  
  
After that ordeal was over, Harry turned to Ron and said, "By the way. LOVE the eyelashes, they really do suit you."  
  
WACK. Ron had punched Harry right in the nose.  
  
Harry's only comeback was, "YOU BITCH. SHIT RON. I'M SHOOTING A NOSE SPRAY ADD TOMORROW! And my insurance doesn't cover PMS."  
  
Ron looked taken aback, and Hermione giggled and said, "looks like your gunna have to miss out on the witty repartee of Harry "eat me" Potter."  
  
"Your gayyyy," joked Harry.  
  
"Of course not," replied Hermione. "Too late now," he yelled and chased after her yelling, "DYKE!!!".  
  
Ron muttered under his breath, "Horny bastards...I got to go find me a 500 year old hobbit to play with."  
  
*** As Ron walked around Hogwarts grounds he ran smack into someone how smelled quite like turnips.  
  
"You shall not pass!" bellowed the old man.  
  
Ron was in a very touchy mood and yelled, "Bite me, Santa! Get out of my way."  
  
At this Gandalf turned Ron into half a mongoose. "Nooo!" squeaked Ron, "I have to find my 500 year old plaything. Curse you!"  
  
Gandalf just laughed and said, "There is only one Lord of the Mongeese. And he does not share power! When has that white guy in the tall tower ever abandoned reason for madness?!"  
  
"Bitch say what?" Ron exclaimed. But it was too late, Gandalf was already gone, back to the fiery chasm from whence he came. Ron then wiggled back up to Gryffindor tower.  
  
Up in Gryffindor tower, Harry had just tackled Hermione to the ground. "RAPE!" she yelled shrilly.  
  
"Shut up wench.someone might hear you."  
  
"Oh No You Di'int," she retorted and slammed the heel of her hand into Harry's nose.  
  
"Shit Hermione, I STILL have a nose spray ad tomorrow!"  
  
"Oh sorry. 'Unbreakify'" And his nose fixed itself, and looked almost as good as Storm's. Then Harry pointed his wand at Hermione and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Knock-outify" Then Hermione was knocked out. "Its okay Hermione. Sleep is good." He said while he watched her lay there.  
  
Then Harry heard something outside and went to the window. He exclaimed when he heard singing, "There is a fell voice on the air."  
  
***  
  
Legolas who is really Voldemort was walking around and found himself located right under Gryffindor Tower. He was kind of bored so he started to sing.  
  
"There was once a wizard who lived in a forest. He told everyone his wand was enormous. So three naughty witches unzipped his britches."  
  
"There is a fell voice on the air."  
  
This offended the Dark Lord, so he ran away crying. As he was running away, he slammed straight into that sexy blonde babe, Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Oh, its you again, why are you crying? Did Potter stick his wand up your."  
  
*Crack*  
  
All of a sudden Yoda reappeared and said, "People from dying, he wants to stop. Dead they are. All of them he has killed. A fell voice, I heard."  
  
"Me too," added Malfoy  
  
"Hey!" Voldemort said. "That's so uncool! You gon' die bitch, Im gon' bust a A.K. cap in yo ass!" 'Avada Kadavra.'  
  
But, as it did with Harry Potter, only 15 years ago, it backfired. "Damn the world," he yelled. "Not again." Then he disappeared.  
  
And as with Harry, Draco was now Another Boy Who Lived. He was blingin, with a brand new scar, as well.  
  
Harry ran to the window, from the wall. He was sweating, so he let it drip on his balls.basketballs. And he noticed Hermione was starting to crawl. He peered down to the grass and saw Draco standing there. He apparated to his side, and looked at his forehead. "MUAHAHAHAHAHHA. you have a scar.faggot!"  
  
***  
  
Down in hell, Legolas thought to himself, "Is this really the way I wanted to die.again? I would have rather shot me-self in the head."  
  
He noticed that there were a lot of fuzzy pink bunnies in hell, and found it strange. He decided to go speak with Satan, which oddly looked Ms. Biesel.  
  
***  
  
Draco fell and screamed, "Nooooooooooooooooo! How can this be, I don't want to be a scarhead too. No No No No! This is so.blah."  
  
"Let me unblah you," replied Harry. " HawooweewalahalamalkoalaCHOCLATE"  
  
Draco just stared at him blankly and said, "Whee. I like to run. I look good when I run."  
  
Then it was Harry's turn to stare.  
  
Somewhere in hell, Legolas proclaimed, "Oh bitch, don't let me catch your ass sayin my lines again."  
  
Anyway, back to the scar clad boys. Harry said, "Really? You look good when you run? Me too! Let's go run. Whee."  
  
And they took off together running like the wind. Draco's hair billowed and started to fall in front of his face, like Sam but.blonde.  
  
***  
  
Back in hell, Legolas ran into someone who he didn't quite know. But this person had sort of a split personality. He was both a sexy pirate and a sexy CIA guy. The CIA guy walked up to Legolas and asked, " Are you a Mexican, or a Mexicant?"  
  
"What is your name?" he asked.  
  
"Johnny." He answered.  
  
"'Tis truly a lovely name," Legolas uttered.  
  
Then all of a sudden, Johnny sprouted facial hair, rugged pirate attire and eyeliner. Oddly, he had an eye patch too. Johnny's pirate form had taken an instant dislike to Legolas and decided to make him look gay. He yelled, 'Gayify' and Legolas immediately started to look gay. Not much happened, due to the fact he was as gay as they come.  
  
"How dare you," he gasped. "I am prepared to rip off your eye patch and skull fuck you to death."  
  
"Ha, sure, this is the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow," Johnny cackled as he floated away.  
  
As a last attempt, Legolas called after him, "have you ever seen one of these?" And he rummaged through his pants for a while and pulled something out, ".wait not that."  
  
Johnny replied, "no I'm sorry, I've never seen one of those THAT small. Oh by the way.heads will roll."  
  
Legolas had no idea what he was talking about. So he threw out his best comeback.  
  
"You know what.I have super duper elf eyes, and you don't. So there."  
  
(ohhh.snap)  
  
Johnny started to cackle again, and left. Then Legolas felt hurt that he was so easily shunned, and nanced off to go complain to Satan.  
  
When he arrived at his lair/throne thingy, he started complaining, "I want a party. I want a pony."  
  
The devil decided to banish him from hell for whining. And adding to his banishédness (ban-ish-ED-nhess), he also exorcised Lord Voldemort from Legolas's body, and Legolas was set freeeeeeee!  
  
As Voldemort was floating away, he screamed, "BANISHÉD, HOW CAN I BE BANISHÉD!'  
  
***  
  
As Harry and Draco were running, Harry looked at Malfoy and said, "Why do you keep falling behind? Because if anybody was to ask my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say your staring at my butt."  
  
Draco looked stunned. How did he find out? He answered, "HA! NO! Not like there's anything to stare at."  
  
At that, he started to hum "Baby Got Back."  
  
So they decided to sit down. They were near Hogsmeade, so they decided to go into the Three Broomsticks. As they sat down, Draco looked at Harry and said, "if you really want to be gay, I wont stop you."  
  
Harry took offence and punched him right in the nose. Blood squirted out. Draco looked utterly pissed. His eyebrows got all evil looking, he sat so close to Harry he was almost on top of him, and he screeched, "You man whore. What did you do that for, I was just making a sincere comment."  
  
Harry replied, " Jeez sorry homie, didn't think you'd take a sock in the face so hard. Oh and speaking of hard, the wand in your pocket is poking into my leg."  
  
Draco smirked, and answered, "How do you know it's my wand?"  
  
"Ewe!" exclaimed Harry, and he grabbed his cloak and ran out of the bar screaming.  
  
But Draco still sat there. And he thought to himself 'I thought he was "Boy Who Takes it Up The Ass" now.  
  
***  
  
Just as Hermione awoke, she noticed a wriggling half of a mongoose with the head of Ron by her side squeaking, "Hermione, HELP ME!"  
  
So she pulled out her wand and yelled, "Ronify" and he turned back to normal. He rushed to see if she was okay, because he had heard her yell 'Rape.' "Are you okay Hermione?"  
  
"Yeah I'm fine, Harry just knocked me out."  
  
"Why.how come.?  
  
"Because I was making too much noise when he was trying to rape me."  
  
"What. I thought he was gay!"  
  
"Well, I guess it's a mystery. Being a magical boy, such as himself, must be so hard.  
  
"How you get him to "unknock-outify" you?"  
  
"I dazzled him with my.wits."  
  
"Ah makes sense."  
  
*** 


	3. chapter three

Part three  
  
The next morning Harry awoke with a jolt. He looked at his watch and he saw that it was 8:30. Then he looked around at his surroundings. He thought he had collapsed right outside the bar in a drunken frenzy, but he was lying in a small house. He noticed Frodo was next to him, in bed. He poked Frodo continuously until he woke up and said, "Yo, Frodizzle, where are we?"  
  
"We are in Bag-End, silly," Frodo Luv-Shaggins replied. He got out of bed and got dressed. He turned to the window and pulled back the shade. Harry saw green hills and beautiful scenery.  
  
He said, "in other news, I got a nose spray add. See ya!"  
  
***  
  
After Harry returned from his shoot, he checked his message machine. It announced, " You have twelve.hundred messages."  
  
So he started to play one, the first was from his agent saying that he had an audition for a Visine ad. This excited him, so he ran to his agent and said, "can you set me up for the Visine add?"  
  
"Oh my, you are ugly," exclaimed his agent "Plus, a big fiery eye already claimed the job. He didn't even need an audition, he looked right for it."  
  
***  
  
On the way to go see his bit o' elf crumpet, Aragorn ran into a very strange person. He was going on and on about leverage.  
  
So Aragorn muttered to himself, "what a wanker," and trudged off. He started to feel hungry, unfortunately there were no squirrels around.  
  
Feeling bored, he decided to go see Silmarillion: The Musical live on Broadway in Rivendell.  
  
Upon arriving there, he saw a whole load of people he knew. Everyone was there. So he took his seat next to his she-elf.  
  
Just as the play was starting 5 more people arrived, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, and Legolas.  
  
All of a sudden the curtains opened and the lights dimmed. Aragorn was horrified by what he saw. It was the nude rendition. Legolas decided to get up and join the crew, poncy tosser. Far too many high kicks.  
  
In the middle of Legolas' solo performance, Frodo started to projectile vomit. So the show sadly went to an intermission. While everyone was 'intermishing' outside, Legolas went into his sparkly pink dressing room. He sadly looked down at his pitiful package.  
  
"Dammit, I have to bitch at someone about this." So he picked up the phone and called his mother and said, "Mom, how come I have such a teeny weenie? It's all your fault!"  
  
His mother replied, "No, honey, that would be your fathers fault, but I'm sure its fine sweetie."  
  
"No, mom, I'm looking at the weenus and I'm NOT happy."  
  
Meanwhile, outside, Aragorn and Gimli were having fun aiming Frodo at Harry, who a couple seconds later was covered in Frodo's vomit. Which incidentally smelled quite like turnips.  
  
In the midst of Gimli and Aragorn's cackling, Wormtongue came rollin up on 24 inch dubs bouncin to "The Last March of the Ents" song. He stepped out and ran towards them wheezing, "Have I missed it? Did I miss the nude rendition?"  
  
They all stared blankly at him until they saw Wormtail come out of the car too. He said to Wormtongue, "C'mon hun, lets go inside.  
  
"Okay my dear spinach puff," Wormtongue replied. So they walked arm in arm back into the show. Everyone followed them, unfortunately, Sam heard a snatch of their conversation.  
  
" HA. I used to live with the dark lord. That bastard cut off my hand, and replaced it with this silvery stuff. I do admit it has a good grip *winks at Wormtongue.* Oh and Grima.how good is this 'tongue' of yours?"  
  
Wormtongue answered, "finger lickin good!"  
  
At this Sam started to projectile vomit as well. Seeing that no one was watching his performance, Legolas wailed and nanced off the stage back into his shiny dressing room where he would dwell in depression for two whole minutes and then return to stage with his scary-beyond-all-reason high kicks.  
  
***  
  
After the show a few people decided to go talk to Elrond. They asked him why he left Rivendell. He said, "I am here to answer the thrrrrreat of morrrrrdorrrr (rolls tongue). If I were to refuse.the dark Lord Sauron would imprison me in the dungeons of Barad-dur and make me sex slave for all eternity.  
  
Just as he said this, a loud screech filled the air. Aragorn looked up and noticed some black riders. He grabbed a torch and chucked it at them. They screeched a bit more and fled.  
  
Aragorn turned around to look at everyone. He had hoped that they would all throw up their hats and run to him saying "wicked", just like they ran after Harry after he showed up Draco. But they didn't, they were all crowded around Frodo Luv-Shaggins. Frodo had seemed to have a seizure of some sort. His eyes rolled back in his head, his hand was clutched at his breast, and he was making quiet moaning sounds.  
  
He got all crazy and sexy looking. He said, "They're hear, they've come!"  
  
The strange thing is that everyone in the theater was screaming and running around, except for the dancers on stage. They just kept on dancing.  
  
Back in his dressing room, Legolas was thinking to himself, "hmm...that feels good. Then he felt a weird sort of wet tickling sensation in his ear. He turned around and noticed Wormtongue licking his ear.  
  
"Ewwwwwwe," Legolas exclaimed. "Bitch, what the hell you lickin my ear fo?"  
  
At this, Wormtongue looked hurt and replied, "Fine, ill just go and fine Wormtail, at least he appreciates my tongue."  
  
And he scampered off to find Peter.  
  
Just as he said this, Wormtail returned to his human form, for he was in the shape of a rat. Wormtongue looked startled, yet happy. He asked, "so who are you living with?"  
  
Wormtail answered, "Willard. You know how he doesn't mind rats."  
  
"Hmm.Willard? You mean that greasy haired guy. With the weird nose," he replied.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"I thought his name was Severus Snape. Damn, I heard some nasty rumors about him. Poor students, and down there in the dungeon. No one can hear their screams."  
  
".Uh, no. His name is Willard!"  
  
"Okay"  
  
*** Frodo, after his convulsions, had calmed down a bit and Harry said, "Um, excuse me, but I've been covered in vomit. Can I leave?"  
  
"Yeah, us too," added Sam and Frodo. "And maybe take a shower." Sam said eyeing Mr. Frodo. But Frodo had his eye on Harry.  
  
Elrond answered, "Yes, you arrrrre exused." So Frodo, Sam and Harry left hand in hand.  
  
Back to Legolas in his dressing room, he was frustrated, so he decided to take Aragorn's advice. He would put some lotion on it, because it was getting chapped.  
  
He thought to him self, "How I wish that unwashed tramp would throw me down and shag me rotten. I'm sick of him clapping me on the shoulder in a manly fashion. I could also use one Sam's awesome foot massages.  
  
***  
  
In the shower, where Harry, Frodo, and Sam were bathing, Harry started gallivanting around. Frodo drop kicked him down and whipped out. Sting, and said, "this is Sting, you've seen it before, haven't you Potter!"  
  
"No, I haven't!" wailed Harry.  
  
"Yes, you have!" retorted Frodo.  
  
"No, I HAVEN'T!" Harry yelled back.  
  
All of a sudden, Gandalf poked his head into the shower and said, "If anyone cares, I'm flame retardant."  
  
"Well, WE DON'T CARE!" screamed Sam.  
  
Gandalf left feeling hurt.  
  
Harry and Frodo went on arguing for another 10 minutes until Sam got annoyed with the lack of shower time with Frodo.  
  
"C'mon, Mr. Frodo, its time for your strawberry scented bubble body wash." Sam smirked to himself, "Don't drop the soap now."  
  
***  
  
Four hours later, the two slightly wrinkled hobbits and Harry hobbled off to go find Ron. Sam and Frodo went walking around Rivendell. Soon they passed by a room and they heard people yelling. They looked inside, and saw Legolas sitting on the edge of a bed crying, and Arwen who was brandishing a stretched out sky blue dress at him.  
  
"I was just in a very vulnerable mood and I needed something to make me feel secure about my masculinity."  
  
I also wanted Aragorn to notice my 'manly beauty,' Legolas thought to himself.  
  
Arwen replied, "Oh, well its okay. I understand. C'mon, I'll make you feel better, lets go try on some of my heels."  
  
Legolas wiped his tears, and sniffed, "OK!!"  
  
*** Harry started wandering around Rivendell looking for Ron. After about a minute of searching, he found him. But, Lucius Malfoy was beating him with his pimp cane.  
  
"OWWWWW," exclaimed Ron. "That hurts!"  
  
Lucius replied, "RED HAIR! *wack* VACANT EXPRESSION *wack* TATTY SECOND HAND BOOK! *wack* YOU MUST BE A WEASLEY!"  
  
"Well, DUH!" screamed Ron. "I've got red hair, I'm ugly, AND I'm poor. WHO ELSE COULD I BE!"  
  
He screeched the last part pretty loudly, which made Lucius let go. That's when Harry decided not to intervene, and walked off.  
  
After Legolas got pretty, Elrond called another secret meeting. This time, everybody was invited. Including Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Elrond politely asked Gandalf to whistle, because all that hear it come running.  
  
So Gandalf blew a shrill whistle, and as if it were lifeguards running on a beach, everyone ran to him, not that this was far considering that everyone was only 20 feet away.  
  
But anyway, this important meeting was to decide on the name of a band. As the band members arrived, Harry had to ask Frodo who was who.  
  
"Well, that's Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf. You know them already. That angry looking chap over there is named Boromir. Those three shorter people are my friends, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took. I know that you know Sam, very well, indeed. And that shriveled thing is Gollum. And including me, that's our band. And why is Legolas holding Twister, I thought Elrond told him that game was banished from Rivendell. But, o well. Here, let me introduce you to my friends."  
  
And, at that, Elrond called for the members to come to order. And that is when the magic happened. Here is how it went down.  
  
Aragorn: The Kings. Lets be the Kings. Gandalf: uh.no. Sam: Weasel Feet  
  
At this Ron turned bright red, and started to get angry  
  
Boromir: the Horns of Gondor? Aragorn: hell no. Athelas? Pippin: the Elevensies! Frodo: no. Legolas: NSYNC! Gimli: that's already taken, you banana ass. Legolas: why are you looking at my ass? Gimli: I like big buts and I cannot lie. Legolas: you aren't one to talk. Gollum: my precious! Aragorn: uh.no. Gollum: precious! Sam: would you get out of here? Frodo: precious? Precious. I like that name! Boromir: okay, I cant call you that. Merry: uh.no Pippin: second breakfasts. Merry: ooo, I like that one. Sam: mmm.food. Aragorn: you've already had it. Pippin: we've had one, yes. What abo- Boromir: STOP.  
  
Gandalf: um.  
  
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Frodo: hmm? Sam: no, the band name. Gimli: no. Legolas: I'm still the prettiest! Gandalf: shut up, hobag. Aragorn: yo' mama. Boromir: my mama is dead.  
  
Legolas: QUEEN!  
  
Boromir: what did you call me? Gimli: I love them! Frodo: already taken. Sam: (to Legolas) don't insult them, you fighead.  
  
Legolas: PINK!  
  
Aragorn: no, goddammit. Frodo: then you think of something! Aragorn: I'm trying, you creep. Sam: don't you talk to my Frodo like that! Unshaved tramp! Frodo: oh Sam. Gimli: laaa. Boromir: shut up you hairy newt. Elrond: purple is so my color.  
  
Gollum: *whispers* no it isn't! *runs away*  
  
Elrond: AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! *runs after Gollum* Gandalf: uh. Frodo: laaa. Gandalf: the Fellowship. Aragorn: .why the fuck didn't I think of that?  
  
*** 


	4. chapter four

After they figured out a name for their band, the Fellowship decided to start writing some songs. Everyone was arguing about what to write, so Elrond stood up and made an announcement.  
  
"Ladies," he said looking towards Legolas, ".and gentlemen, and all those of the thirrrrrrd kind."  
  
At that, Gollum stood up and did a happy dance because for once, someone had finally included him.  
  
".I think we should each wrrrrrrrite our own song, and then perrrrrrrforrrrrrrrm it at ourrrrrrrr upcoming show. It is to be held at the Holidae In."  
  
Gimli stood up and asked, "Can we sip on some hen'?"  
  
Elrond answered, "umm. surrrrrre thing Gimli son of Gloin. And do you have any ideas forrrr the song you will be singing at our concerrrt?"  
  
"I sure do," Gimli replied. Then he started to warm up his voice. "Mimimimimi"  
  
(to the tune of Once Upon A December by Aaliyah)  
  
Nancing elves Wraiths on wings Things I almost remember And a ring Frodo bears In the Halls of Moria  
  
Someone tosses me across a gap Horses prance down the hill Elves dancing gracefully Across my memory.  
  
Far away, long ago Glowing dim as an ember Halls of stone, meat off the bone Roaring fires and malt beer  
  
Repeat song  
  
Halls of stone, meat off the bone In the Halls of Moria  
  
***  
  
Legolas stood up and started clapping, a long drawn out clap. Everyone looked at him and saw that he had tears in his eyes. He announced, "That was beautiful, just beautiful!"  
  
Boromir felt that he should say something because Legolas was starting to embarrass him. So decided to say, "um. Gimli, that was um.very. errr. good."  
  
Gimli replied, "Jolly good, jolly good." And everyone looked at him as if he were one giant queer. He felt that these intense stares should have been directed towards Legolas.  
  
***  
  
So after Gimli's display of mad throat skill, the Fellowship sat down to map out the rest of the concert. All the intense whispering in a tight packed huddle was starting to make Harry, Ron, and Hermione feel uncomfortable.  
  
All of a sudden, Legolas popped his head out of the huddle and said, "a diversion?"  
  
Hermione peered at him, and said to herself, "If only the oliphant had stomped him before his gravity defying gayness.  
  
Legolas went back into the huddle until the secret meeting came to a close.  
  
"The show starts in twenty minutes," Elrond announced.  
  
Everyone hopped onto their horses and rode off to the Holiday Inn. Aragorn was having trouble with Brego. His horse was growing restless. While he was trying to tame his steed, Harry, Ron, and Hermione apparated to the Holiday Inn. If they had rims, they would still be spinnin.  
  
***  
  
Upon arriving to the Inn of Holidays, Harry, Hermione, and Ron see it expertly decorated. All around the windows were life size pictures of the Fellowship. Ron thought it was strange to see a huge picture of Legolas wearing a powder blue shiny dress and a tiara. Hermione thought he looked pretty.  
  
On the ceiling fake gold rings were strung from fake gold chains. Oddly enough, Gollum kept trying to climb the walls muttering something that sounded quite like, "MY PRECIOUS."  
  
All of a sudden the lights clicked off, and a spot light turned on and shined on the members.of the band. *Boom* *Boom* the music started pounding and the fans started to become restless.just like the horses. 


	5. chapter five

There was a huge roar and standing ovation from the crowd as each of the Fellowship took their bow. Merry then grabbed the microphone, which incidentally looked like a carrot, and announced, "Now to begin the solos, we have our favorite angry dwarf, Gimli son of Gloin!"  
  
Everyone cheered and there were high pitched whistles and screams of appreciation, which were surprisingly coming mainly from Legolas.  
  
Gimli then tromped into the spotlight while the rest of the Fellowship were swaying slowly in the background, sporting plastic axes and swished novelty lighters in the air. (The flame took the shape of the eye.)  
  
Everyone fell silent as Gimli began to sing. Strangely, it was not the song he had performed for his friends earlier that day.  
  
(to the tune of "Part of Your World, from the Little Mermaid)  
  
Look at this stuff Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collections complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the dwarf, the dwarf who has everything? Look at this trove Treasures untold How many wonders can one cavern hold? Lookin around here you'd think... Sure, he's got everything. I've got Mithril and gold aplenty I've got orcs and balrogs galore You want cave trolls, I've got twenty. But who cares? No big deal... ...I want more I wanna be where the elves are I wanna see 'em nancing Nancing around on those...what do you call them? ...oh yeah, feet. Delving in the mines, you don't get to far My legs only let me do diggin' and eatin' And roasting some ripe...whats that word again? ...meat Up where they nance Up where they say How bout dying side by side with a friend? Destroying a ring I wish I could sing And be part of his world What would I give, if I could live Together with Legolas What would I pay To spend a day Up with the queer I betcha up there They understand That they don't ask my opinion. No dwarf women Sick of Legolas trying And ready to find some food. And ready to know what Legolas knows Ask him my questions And demand some answers Like why is it full of anger? And what's the word...SHUT UP Where is my cup Full of the Stuff that I love Wish it could be Oh god please Make it malt beer  
  
***  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
*crickets chirp*  
  
Legolas then began clapping and cheering in the midst of wiping tears from his eyes.  
  
*crickets still chirp*  
  
Aragorn began clapping, and at this, the whole crowd erupted and began clapping as well.  
  
The Sam grabbed his microphone, which looked like Frodo, except a bit less clothed and said, "And now, performing his solo, which has actually become a hit in many gay bars...err, bars all across Rivendell...Legolassss Greenleaf."  
  
***  
  
Legolas then nanced on stage into a new change of outfit, it was a purple velvety frock with a very daring slit all the way up to his...hip. He went into the spotlight, and slightly winked at Elrond who turned red with fury at seeing the embroidery all along the slit of Legolas' "man-dress" and shiny tiara.  
  
The audience again fell silent. Except for one half, who seemed to be waiting for this performance, continued with the screeching and whooping. All in heels. All in tiaras. All men. Legolas gave them a beauty pageant wave, and began to sing.  
  
(To the tune of "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred)  
  
I'm too sexy for my love Too sexy for Gimli Gimli's going to leave me I'm too sexy for my boots, and too sexy for my skirt Too sexy it hurts Too sexy for Sauron, too sexy for Mordor Rohan and Gondor And I'm too sexy for this band And no way am I backup nancing I'm an elf, know what I mean? And I do my little confused look yeah I do it cuz I think it's hot yeah I'm too sexy for the Shire, and Angmar Too sexy by far And I'm to sexy for my dress Too sexy for my dress, what do you think about this I'm an elf, know what I mean?  
  
***  
  
As Legolas finished singing, the whole room seemed to be shaking as the crowd went wild. The Fellowship had to run into a dressing room to keep from getting harmed.  
  
Legolas was devistated.  
  
"Well, obviously I didn't expect them to start throwing things."  
  
As the crowd began rioting and breaking things, Pipping decided he would go calm them down. He walked out there and grabbed his mushroom shaped microphone and began to sing.  
  
Home is behind  
  
The world ahead And there are many paths to tread Through shadow, to the edge of night Until the stars are all alight Mist and shadow, cloud and shade All shall fade....  
  
***  
  
The whole crowd was in tears. And the pro-Legolas side was going into hysterics. Meanwhile, in Gondor, an ugly ass old man was stuffing his face...but back to the concert.  
  
After Pippin had calmed everyone down, there was a small break so people could get some refreshments and so Legolas can go to the little girl's room. At the refreshment table Harry and Frodo were having a heated argument. No one was really paying attention until things started to get ugly. People started crowding around.  
  
A vein was popping out of Harry's temple and his face was bright red. Frodo was brandishing a chocolate milkshake in his face screaming, "IM TELLING YOU, MY MILKSHAKE IS BETTER THEN YOURS!"  
  
Harry shouted back, "I DON'T CARE! I HATE EVERYTHING!"  
  
Frodo didn't quite know how to reply so he yelled, "WELL MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS..."  
  
Harry screamed, "I DON'T CARE! I AM FILLED WITH WHITE HOT ANGER!"  
  
Frodo blinked and stared, "Uh...I can teach you...but,"  
  
"I AM FILLED WITH WHITE HOT ANGER!"  
  
The fight was then interrupted by cheers from Sam who was sporting a giant foam finger with a ring on it yelling "go Frodo!!"  
  
Legolas then turned to a stranger in the crowd and said, "That's Frodo, he's so hot right now."  
  
***  
  
The lights dimmed and everyone went back to their seats. The concert commenced again with Gandalf's song.  
  
(To the tune of "Without me" by Eminem)  
  
Two hobbits from the Shire go round the outside, round the outside Guess who's back, back again? Gandalf's back, tell some men... Some hobbits in the crowd started to feel a bit uncomfortable with this song, and started to throw Farmer Maggot's crop at him. Boromir, being the nice person he is stepped in with his arrow shaped microphone, and saved the day with his song.  
  
(To the tune of Hit Me Baby...One More Time, by Britney Spears)  
  
Oh Frodo, Frodo How was I supposed to know That the ring was going to take me Oh Frodo, Frodo I should have let you go Oh look, I've been shot twice, yeah Show me how many times it's gunna be Tell me orc man cuz I need to know now, oh because  
  
The arrows in my body, are killing me I must confess, I wanted the ring When I see it, I lose my mind Give me some time Shoot me baby one more time.  
  
Oh Frodo, Frodo The reason to leave is you The ring has got me blinded Oh pretty Frodo There's nothing I wouldn't do 3 arrows is not the way I planned it Show me how you want to kill me Save me Aragorn, cuz I'm gunna die now, oh because.  
  
The arrows in my body, are killing me I must confess, I wanted the ring When I see it, I lose my mind Give me some time Shoot me baby one more time.  
  
***  
  
When he finished, the audience started clapping. Especially the Uruk-Hai. Gimli felt it necessary to remind everyone that these were not a rabble of mindless orc. These were Uruks. To silence this rabble, Sam grabbed his mic and started to sing.  
  
(To the tune of I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears)  
  
I know I may be fat and a boy But I need to do what I feel like doing So let me go and just listen  
  
Everybody thinks that I'm just his gardener We'll did you ever think that we could be lovers Always saying, Samwise don't trim the verge at night Well I'm just trying to find out why, cuz Frodo is what I like.  
  
Trim it, Trim it WHOOOA Prune it, Prune it WHOOOOOA (do you like it) Plant it, Plant it OOOHHHH (this feels good)  
  
I know I may come off gay, I may come of queer But I feel like loving, I feel like touching him, when Frodo does come near  
  
What's hurting him is hurting me, but what the hell, who cares? All I know is I'm so happy when Mr. Frodo is standing there.  
  
I'm a slave for you. I wanna hold him. I cannot control him. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it. I'm not trying to hide it.  
  
***  
  
Frodo, shocked at Sam's song, serenaded the crowed with his tune.  
  
(To the tune of I Will Survive by Diana Ross)  
  
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without Gandalf by my side. But now he's back from Gondor I just walked in to find you here, with that scared look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your staff. If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me Go on now walk out the door You keep it safe, cuz you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who said the ring would claim my life? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I, I will survive. As long as I've Samwise by my side, I know I will survive.  
  
Pippin then came out acting quite silly said, "Hahahahahahahaha, I would like to introduce you to my homedog, Merry.  
  
Merry walked into the spotlight and said, "You smoke to much Pip." And proceeded to sing. (To the tune of "Because I got high" by Afroman)  
  
I was gunna light some fireworks, but then I got high. Then Gandalf made me wash the dishes, cuz I got high. My face is dirty, and hair staticy, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.  
  
I snuck into the secret council, before I got high. I then joined the Fellowship, but I got high. Pippin asked the man in the dress where we were going, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.  
  
I got hobbitnapped by orcs, before I got high They hurt me and poured yucky stuff in my mouth, but then I got high. Eomer then came and slaughtered them, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high  
  
I thought Eowyn was really cool, but I realized I was high. She brainwashed me into thinking the nazgul were bad, cuz I'm high I ended up stabbing the WkoA in the leg, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.  
  
Aragorn walking onto the stage, and stealing the spotlight rudely interrupted him. Petals kept raining down on him everywhere he went. Unfortunately Merry was singing as the petals continued to fall. He now had a mouth full of them.  
  
The song Aragorn was singing went like this.  
  
(To the tune of "I just can't wait to be king" from the Lion King)  
  
I'm gunna be a mighty king So dark lords beware!  
  
Denethor then stepped up and said  
  
Well, I've never seen a king of men with quite so dirty hair  
  
Aragorn answered, and it continued on in this fashion until the song was complete.  
  
I'm gunna be the main event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm wondering what for?  
  
Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing  
  
Oh I just can't wait to be king!  
  
You've rather a long way to go, Aragorn, if you think...  
  
No one saying do this  
  
Now when I said that, I...  
  
No one saying be there  
  
What I was saying was...  
  
No one saying stop that  
  
Look, what you don't realize...  
  
No one saying see here  
  
Now see here!  
  
Free to take a bath all day  
  
Well, that's definitely out  
  
Free to do it all my way!  
  
I think its time that you and I arranged a heart to heart  
  
Kings don't need advice from the steward for a start.  
  
If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out. Out of service, out of Gondor, I wouldn't hang about. This ranger is starting to stink.  
  
Oh I just can't wait to be king.  
  
As soon as he was done singing, a great shadow fell on the crowd. Looking menacing, the Witch King of Angmar walked into the room.  
  
Instead of holding his mace, he was holding a giant can of refried beans. Legolas gathered up his courage and walked up to the Witch King and said, "Where'd you get dem beans? I shall kill you."  
  
The Witch King replied, "No living man can kill me."  
  
Legolas ripped off his dress and announced, "I AM NO MAN!"  
  
And he stormed off. The Witch King of Angmar, thinking on his feet, stuck out his leg. Legolas, unknowingly walked on and tripped, saying, "Whups. Fell over."  
  
***  
  
There was a good deal of pointing and laughing as Legolas got to his feet and proceeded to run like a ninny to the little girls room. The Witch King then stalked off to get a good seat.  
  
He began smiting people in the front row when someone informed him that the concert was over. Although you are usually advised not to do so, the Witch King killed the messenger by taking off his pointy helmet crown and lobbing it at him.  
  
The victim of his lobbage yelled out, "She-lobbed it at me!"  
  
The Witch King ripped off his helmet and said, "I am no woman."  
  
Everyone was trying to see inside his hood, but failed miserably. Harry then started throwing rocks, but never found out where they went.  
  
The Lord of the Nazgul started to get aggravated with the rocks raining down on him, so he brandished his ban of beans in Harry's face.  
  
Harry started to get angry and screamed, "WHITE HOT ANGER IS LICKING MY INSIDES!"  
  
The Witch King was stunned, not knowing what insides were, nor the color white. Ron attempted to hex the 'Greatest of the Nine' but did not succeed. The Lord of the Nazgul took his can of beans and swung it at Ron, breaking his wand.  
  
"My wand. Look at my wand," Ron said with his voice cracking.  
  
The Witch King didn't seem to care. His fell beast swooped down the Witch King swung onto it and flew away.  
  
*** 


	6. chapter six

After the show it's the after party.  
  
So The Fellowship and friends were congregated around Mr. Cuervo until all of a sudden Gamling burst in. He ran in straight to Theoden King and starts to tell his story.  
  
"Elves call me up sayin it's a hotel party. Just bring the ale, there's already 8 shortys (hobbits). I'm on my way, let me stop by the store, let me get a 12 pack of pints and an ounce of Old Toby, ya know?  
  
Now im on the Paths of the Dead to the natural Brandywine Bridge road..."  
  
"Wait," interupted Theoden. "How'd you get from the Paths of the Dead to the Shire within seconds?"  
  
Gamling ignored him, and continued, "...pulled up, rims still spinnin..."  
  
Then this time Legolas interrupted and asked, "Was the way shut?!"  
  
Gamling was still going on, "...to room 490 its where I'm headed on my way up. It's three girls in the elevator like whats up? I told them follow me, they knew I had it crackin T. they said wont your be that boy who helped save Helms Deep? Yeah that's me Gam-a-ling."  
  
Legolas sighed, "How butch."  
  
All of a sudden Gandalf entered and yelled, "STOP! DROP!"  
  
*Kaboom*  
  
A loud explosion ensued.  
  
Saruman was angry for not being invited to the infamous after party. So he had decided to blow it up.  
  
While Saruman was making this bomb, Wormtongue asked, "How can fire undo fabric and wood?"  
  
Back at the Holiday Inn a horrible sight had befallen on Frodo's eyes. Legolas was rubbing on Gimli's nipples.  
  
"Gasp!" Frodo gasped. "Legolas what are you doing?"  
  
Legolas stood up and called everyone's attention, and proceeded to say, "I would like to take a minute to tell you all that I am gay." 


	7. chapter seven

Thanks to Shelli, this finally got posted because I forgot I was writing this and she reminded me (   
  
No one was really shocked at this, but decided this was about time for another party. So Elrond declared, "Well, I think we need a change of decorrrrations."  
  
He looked over at Harry, Ron, Hermione, who nodded and said in unison 'gayo decorify.' And with that, the whole appearance of the room changed. Everything was sparkling and the main piece was a huge shining banner which read: Congratulations Legolas!  
  
There was fun and games for everyone, and of course pints and pints of mean and "hen." After everyone was quite drunk, Legolas stood up on his chair and confessed his undying love for Gimli.  
  
Gimli, feeling honored and quite cross-eyed from all the liquor, exclaimed, "Milady!"  
  
Legolas shot him a menacing glance, and Gimli took back his statement and said, "I mean, my um, friend."  
  
Everyone was pretty much to drunk to care, so Gimli stood up and yelled, " Lets play Hide The Helmet!!!"  
  
The hobbits agreed while everyone else decided they would rather play "Pin the Tiara on the Queer."  
  
By the end of the party, everyone was stumbling around, all sporting ceremonial tiaras. Even Arwen had stayed for the festivities, but left in a rage after having an argument with her father about who looked better in their tiara.  
  
The party was coming to a close, when Legolas and Gimli decided to share the news that they were getting engaged.  
  
But by then, everyone was passed out either on the floor, under the table, or in a mad orgy.  
  
A few days later, Back in Rivendell  
  
Legolas was walking around Rivendell, still happy about the success of his party. But moments later his bubble was abruptly burst.  
  
He heard odd noises and wondered into a room.  
  
"Shriek!" Legolas shrieked, fdor there was Gimli in bed with Merry and Pippin.  
  
Though, heartbroken, Legolas was pleased to find hobbits so bendy.  
  
Later Legolas confronted the hobbits and only agreed to forgive under one condition.  
  
A little while later Gandalf walked in and was shocked to see Pippin teaching Legolas how to do the 'Bend and Snap.'  
  
Gandalf glared, "Fool of a Took."  
  
Then he went ahead and started to whack him with his white shiny staff. Legolas was horrified and ran out of the room, straight into Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn was miffed because Legolas caused him to drop his Swedish enlarger pump, his certificate for Swedish enlarger pump, and his lifetime warranty for his Swedish enlarger pump.  
  
Legolas panicked and but the 'Bend and Snap' into motion, accidentally breaking Aragorn's nose.  
  
For the next few hours, Legolas was in complete hysterics and was sulking around his room. Arwen burst into the room in a rage.  
  
"Bitch! You broke my man's nose! You know he has a nose spray ad tomorrow."  
  
Legolas, who was now utterly at breaking point, wailed, "I DIDN'T MEAN TO."  
  
Arwen replied, "I DONT CARE! I BANISH YOU FROM ALL THE BEAUTY SALONS OF RIVENDELL!"  
  
Legolas squealed, "BANISHÉD? BANISHÉD! HOW COULD I BE BANISHÉD!?"  
  
Arwen just glared and stormed out of the room. Legolas said to himself, "Oh I am so going to bend and snap her ass. I am one hot little potato right now." 


	8. chapter eight

Part Eight.  
  
**

* * *

A/N:  
  
One may wonder, "When will a plot develop?" "When will it end?" "When will Legolas stop be at the receiving end of our jokes?"  
  
Well here are the answers folks: Hopefully soon. After the plot develops. And NEVER! Ahahahahah okay sorry. Anyways. This is chapter 8. Sorry the other one was so short. This one is a bit longer.  
  
Oh, and for all you music lovers of all genres out there, don't be offended by the special cameos. I wont give them away now. But you must read and see. Thanks.

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Walking from house to house, Legolas was looking for something to do. Just as he was passing by, he noticed a wardrobe sitting in the middle of the road.  
  
The leaves started to rustle around him and he yelled, "Get off the road!"  
  
Since the wardrobe is obviously an inanimate object, it stood there looking quite innocent. This royally pissed off Legolas. So after a minute of internal debate, he decided to go smack it down.  
  
As he got closer, he noticed the wardrobe was rocking back and forth. Something had to be inside. He wanted to touch it. So he whipped out his handy dandy spork and started sporking his way through the wood.  
  
Tedious as this was, it kept him amused for hours on end. Until finally he decided to give up and open it. Just as he reached for the knob, the wardrobe shook violently.  
  
Legolas screamed and started running in circles. The rest of the Fellowship and Harry and his friends all ran to his aid.  
  
Hermione eyed the wardrobe, pulled out her wand, and yelled, "Oh move over!"  
  
She unlocked the wardrobe and moved back. Harry stepped up and a dementor drifted out. Harry started to black out and hear bad experiences in his head. He remembered one in particular.  
  
"That was the worst sex I have ever had! Ron, you suck!"  
  
A few minutes later, Harry regained consciousness. He noticed that Gimli was standing in front of him, and the dementor was gone.  
  
Lying on the ground was Legolas' dead body. Harry silently thought to himself, hasn't he died enough times in this story already?  
  
Harry heard a stifled cry, it was Legolas. But alive. Standing behind him.  
  
Ron pushed his way in and said, "I know what that is, it's a Boggart."  
  
All of a sudden the dead Legolas turned into a spider. Seeing as spiders freak Ron out, he ran away screaming, "Follow the spiders, why couldn't it be follow the butterflies. I am going to kill the next queer I see."  
  
He looked up and saw Legolas. What a big surprise.  
  
Pippin took Ron's place and tried to take on the boggart. The spider went poof and in its place laid a big heap of broken carrots.  
  
His eyes began to water, and he ran into Merry's outstretched arms.  
  
Merry then threw Pippin to the side and exclaimed, "But I want to fight."  
  
He bounded up to the wardrobe and the carrots turned into the one and only Witch King of Angmar.  
  
The Witch King was about to speak, but then Legolas rammed into Merry and knocked him to the side.  
  
"I am no man!" Legolas shrieked and ripped off his dress, letting his long blonde hair sway back and forth in the wind.  
  
The Witch King was shocked, "But. . . I didn't even say anything. . ."  
  
Legolas replied, "Oh. . .uh. heh, I'll be back then. I most re-clothe myself in my purple polyester skirt and boot ensemble."  
  
Aragorn jumped in front, ready to take on the Witch King, but was stunned because the Witch King was no longer standing there. In his place was a clean-shaven man in a suit, with amazingly shiny, oil-free hair.  
  
The man spoke in a jaunty voice, "Hello! Would you like to buy a shaving kit, or perhaps some shampoo?"  
  
Aragorn's eyes widened. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
It was another manly yell. Aragorn ran and hid under a rock while Hermione finally managed vanquished to boggart.  
  
After reassuring him many times that the man was gone, Hermione was able to get Aragorn out from under the rock.  
  
All retreating to their houses, the Fellowship was once again separated.  
  
Feeling bored, Harry Potter decided to take a walk. As he walked he was observing the sites he has never seen before, such as a waterfall, a dog, and . . . a mole talking to a camera crew?  
  
Harry, feeling that this sight was out of place and not of the norm, he got closer. He overheard this mole telling the camera crew many things.  
  
". . . You are nothing without me. We have been everywhere together: Spain, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Europe, Asia, Ana Kornicova (sp?)."  
  
Since Harry was magical and not quite "hip," he didn't quite understand what this mole was talking about. He also found it funny that a mole was talking. This wasn't the animal kind of mole. This was the removed and long outcasted mole of Latin singer Enrique Iglesias.  
  
Feeling quite disturbed, Harry proceeded onwards.  
  
While walking he saw a commotion up ahead. So, walking at a swifter pace, he decided to find out what on Joey (earth) was going on.  
  
He saw a man.  
  
A man he had never seen before. And this man was missing something. Harry could only hear bits and pieces of what this guy was yelling because more then half of it was in a different language.  
  
"My Mole! Where is my mole? I need my mole!"  
  
Enrique ran over to Harry.  
  
"Have you seen a mole? It's about this big, and brown"  
  
Harry, puzzled at this question, retorted, "Um, yes. I saw it giving an interview. It's down this street."  
  
"Oh, gracias. Are you Harry Potter? I Loved you in 'Harry Potter y la Chambre de Los Secretos.'  
  
"Um, thanks," replied Harry. And he continued forwards.  
  
He kept walking. He was walking for miles. He walked right into a forest.  
  
He could sense somebody else's presence in the forest.  
  
'Morsmordgay,' Harry heard a high-pitched voice yell out.  
  
In the sky, a symbol started to appear. It was made out of purple stars. Harry had expected the Dark Mark, but instead saw something he had never seen before.  
  
A man had run out from the forest. He was tall, dark, and not so handsome. In fact, he looked like a woman. Harry did not recognize this guy either.  
  
This strange new person walked up to Harry singing, "All I want is your extra time and your. . . kiss. Ooooh."  
  
"Who are you," Harry asked.  
  
"The Artist Formerly Known As Prince," TAFKAP replied. "And that is what I go by now," TAFKAP said pointing to the symbol in the sky.  
  
Idiots, Harry thought, I am surrounded by idiots.

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**Sorry if this chapter was not up to your expectations, or not funny enough and so on and so forth. I wrote more then half of this solo. And after rereading it, I don't find it quite as funny as the others. I am kind of lost on what new and exciting adventure I should put the characters through. Or if I should just end it in the next chapter. So, if anybody has any suggestions or requests: you can leave it in a review, email me, or IM me on AIM. My screen name is xskyisclosed. I will be sure to add your request one way or another into my story. Actually, I think I am putting off this plot thing until the last chapter. But nonetheless, thank you.  
  
Review if you wish. It will be greatly appreciated. Flamers welcome, I just don't want to hear the same old "Legolas is so hot, why do make fun of him" crap. Constructive criticism, and just regular criticism is nice. Actually just hearing from you is nice. So be a pal and click that review button down there. Thanks!  
  
And by the by, Enrique Iglesias and Ana Kornicova (sp?) own themselves. Enrique also used to own his mole. Prince, or TAFKAP, also owns himself, and the study of Musicology. This is all in good fun. Heh. But anyways, I don't know how to cite people. So that is it. Right there. My citation.  
  
The mole conversation comes from E!, or so I heard. I think my friend was lying, but no matter. It was still funny.**


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